1
00:00:10,060 --> 00:00:16,340
Instead of travelling by bicycle,
I might have been a Greek shipping millionaire.

2
00:00:16,340 --> 00:00:18,340
Tha's not even Greek.

3
00:00:18,340 --> 00:00:20,100
He could lie.

4
00:00:20,100 --> 00:00:25,500
I mean if, if people saw him
dancing and breaking a few plates he might get away with it.

5
00:00:25,500 --> 00:00:27,940
I'm speaking hypothetically.

6
00:00:27,940 --> 00:00:30,020
That's Greek for a start.

7
00:00:30,020 --> 00:00:32,500
I'm assuming I was born Greek.

8
00:00:35,020 --> 00:00:37,700
Did your mother know you were Greek?

9
00:00:37,700 --> 00:00:42,040
I mean, as far as I know she
never went further than Bridlington.

10
00:00:42,040 --> 00:00:45,220
Maybe he could be a Bridlington
shipping millionaire.

11
00:00:45,220 --> 00:00:47,560
It's not the same, is it?

12
00:00:47,560 --> 00:00:52,240
I'm talking oil tankers and
love affairs with opera singers.

13
00:00:52,240 --> 00:00:55,420
Have you seen the size
of opera singers?

14
00:00:55,420 --> 00:00:58,060
Tha'd need thee bicycle
just to give her a cuddle.

15
00:01:37,140 --> 00:01:38,560
Howard?

16
00:01:39,580 --> 00:01:40,760
Howard?

17
00:01:43,260 --> 00:01:45,100
Military history.

18
00:01:45,100 --> 00:01:48,400
Tell everybody you're
interested in military history.

19
00:02:07,780 --> 00:02:12,460
Have you nothing better to
do than stare at people? What did you have in mind?

20
00:02:12,460 --> 00:02:17,160
I've nothing in mind except
getting on with some work without being stared at by people.

21
00:02:17,160 --> 00:02:19,420
You're always working.
I've noticed that.

22
00:02:19,420 --> 00:02:21,620
And I've noticed that you're not.

23
00:02:21,620 --> 00:02:26,700
Do you realise, if I'd been some
Greek shipping millionaire we'd never have met?

24
00:02:26,700 --> 00:02:32,180
Unless of course you'd been gifted
with some extraordinary singing voice.

25
00:02:32,180 --> 00:02:34,020
What are you drivelling about?

26
00:02:34,020 --> 00:02:36,640
And it would have had
to have been SOME voice.

27
00:02:36,640 --> 00:02:38,960
You'll get the rough
end of it in a minute.

28
00:02:38,960 --> 00:02:41,820
You weren't really cut out
to be a rich man's plaything.

29
00:02:41,820 --> 00:02:43,240
You need a makeover.

30
00:02:43,240 --> 00:02:46,200
Have you ever been hit
with a dustpan and brush?

31
00:02:46,200 --> 00:02:49,120
You'll have to sweeten your
personality if you're ever

32
00:02:49,120 --> 00:02:53,180
to be snapped up by some playboy
looking for something different.

33
00:02:53,180 --> 00:02:55,280
I mean, really different.

34
00:02:55,280 --> 00:02:57,620
He'll want you to do
something with your hair.

35
00:03:03,580 --> 00:03:05,700
Billy's looking very thoughtful.

36
00:03:05,700 --> 00:03:10,240
Oh, is he?
I thought he was just a bit retarded.

37
00:03:10,240 --> 00:03:13,140
I'm wondering where
we go when we're dead.

38
00:03:13,140 --> 00:03:16,560
Sorry. Is the tea all that bad?

39
00:03:16,560 --> 00:03:21,300
Are you planning a trip? If he is,
I hope he's not asking for company.

40
00:03:21,300 --> 00:03:25,140
A bloke's allowed to think
seriously now and again.

41
00:03:25,140 --> 00:03:29,540
You can't just throw away
a lifetime's reputation for being barmy.

42
00:03:29,540 --> 00:03:32,340
What about the afterlife?

43
00:03:32,340 --> 00:03:33,800
What about it?

44
00:03:33,800 --> 00:03:37,020
Does tha think it's going to
be anything like life as we know it?

45
00:03:37,020 --> 00:03:40,220
Like noisy at weekends?

46
00:03:40,220 --> 00:03:41,900
He's dodging it.

47
00:03:41,900 --> 00:03:44,100
What about thee, Truly?

48
00:03:44,100 --> 00:03:50,260
The afterlife is not something of
immediate interest to anybody on an index-linked pension.

49
00:03:50,260 --> 00:03:54,360
It's just that I wonder
sometimes what the chances are of me meeting our Robin.

50
00:03:54,360 --> 00:03:58,060
You think that Robin Hood
is up there somewhere?

51
00:03:58,060 --> 00:03:59,900
Waiting for you?

52
00:03:59,900 --> 00:04:02,000
I'm not saying waiting.

53
00:04:02,000 --> 00:04:04,960
He's probably busy organising
the archery competition.

54
00:04:04,960 --> 00:04:06,960
And the bingo.

55
00:04:06,960 --> 00:04:10,140
I wonder who's doing the catering.

56
00:04:10,140 --> 00:04:13,100
I knew I'd get nowhere with you lot.

57
00:04:13,100 --> 00:04:14,100
KNOCK AT THE DOOR

58
00:04:15,100 --> 00:04:17,860
Ask him about the afterlife.

59
00:04:17,860 --> 00:04:22,420
He leads a double life.
One more shouldn't be beyond him.

60
00:04:22,420 --> 00:04:24,880
Who leads a double life?

61
00:04:24,880 --> 00:04:28,120
We know it's only part-time, Howard.
Relax.

62
00:04:28,120 --> 00:04:31,300
Billy wants to know what you
think about the afterlife.

63
00:04:32,860 --> 00:04:35,780
I think it's all right where it is,

64
00:04:35,780 --> 00:04:38,060
and I'm all right where I am.

65
00:04:38,060 --> 00:04:41,040
Tha must think about it sometimes.

66
00:04:41,040 --> 00:04:45,300
Ah, Howard has other things
on his mind. I deny that.

67
00:04:45,300 --> 00:04:47,420
I scarcely know the young lady.

68
00:04:49,720 --> 00:04:52,800
I'm getting worried about Barry.

69
00:04:52,800 --> 00:04:54,680
He just agrees with me all the time.

70
00:04:54,680 --> 00:05:00,220
I think you may have stumbled on
the secret of a successful marriage.

71
00:05:00,220 --> 00:05:03,240
It's the secret of mine.

72
00:05:03,240 --> 00:05:07,040
He's a perfectly bright
human being otherwise,

73
00:05:07,040 --> 00:05:10,700
but with me it's like
he's got no mind of his own.

74
00:05:10,700 --> 00:05:13,020
Thank you. The thing to remember is,

75
00:05:13,020 --> 00:05:16,720
they're almost certainly
better off using ours.

76
00:05:16,720 --> 00:05:20,580
How bad is he? Watch.

77
00:05:23,400 --> 00:05:25,660
Barry!

78
00:05:27,220 --> 00:05:29,960
What? What is it?

79
00:05:29,960 --> 00:05:33,900
Tea or coffee, Barry?
Whatever you're having.

80
00:05:33,900 --> 00:05:35,740
I'm having coffee.

81
00:05:35,740 --> 00:05:38,900
Coffee's good. No, I'm not.

82
00:05:38,900 --> 00:05:41,460
I'm going to have tea for a change.

83
00:05:41,460 --> 00:05:42,980
Tea's fine.

84
00:05:44,360 --> 00:05:46,980
I'd like to know which
you'd really prefer, Barry.

85
00:05:46,980 --> 00:05:49,780
Tell me which YOU'D really like.

86
00:05:53,540 --> 00:05:55,540
I'd like...

87
00:05:55,540 --> 00:05:58,220
whichever you're having.

88
00:06:03,920 --> 00:06:08,680
Oh, yes, there was just one
little thing. ALL: Oh.

89
00:06:08,680 --> 00:06:10,220
Oh, come on!

90
00:06:10,220 --> 00:06:12,120
Pearl's out now

91
00:06:12,120 --> 00:06:15,920
and when she comes back
I want you to come and call for me.

92
00:06:15,920 --> 00:06:18,620
Hands up anyone who
wants to call for Howard.

93
00:06:21,540 --> 00:06:24,160
Oh, come on! Stop fooling about.

94
00:06:24,160 --> 00:06:28,320
What about stage two, Howard?
What happens if we do call for thee?

95
00:06:28,320 --> 00:06:30,780
Nothing.

96
00:06:30,780 --> 00:06:32,980
Sounds too good to be true.

97
00:06:32,980 --> 00:06:37,140
I'd arrest him on suspicion.
Suspicion of what?

98
00:06:37,140 --> 00:06:40,280
Oh, we'd think of something.

99
00:06:40,280 --> 00:06:43,680
If it's so nothing
why are we calling for you?

100
00:06:43,680 --> 00:06:46,980
All right, there is one
little addition.

101
00:06:46,980 --> 00:06:48,020
ALL: Aah!

102
00:06:48,020 --> 00:06:49,360
It's nothing.

103
00:06:49,360 --> 00:06:53,780
I just want Pearl to hear me saying,
"No, thanks, I won't come out.

104
00:06:53,780 --> 00:06:56,320
"I want to finish me library book."

105
00:06:56,320 --> 00:06:58,300
You see.

106
00:06:58,300 --> 00:07:00,400
It's getting tricky.

107
00:07:00,400 --> 00:07:03,240
I knew it
would end up getting tricky.

108
00:07:03,240 --> 00:07:05,660
I wouldn't call it tricky.

109
00:07:05,660 --> 00:07:11,460
I'm just trying to establish
how interested I've recently become in military history.

110
00:07:11,460 --> 00:07:16,420
Which is why I can't tear
myself away from my library book.

111
00:07:16,420 --> 00:07:18,300
Military history?

112
00:07:18,300 --> 00:07:19,600
Love it.

113
00:07:19,600 --> 00:07:23,420
I believe him. He's about
the right size for Napoleon.

114
00:07:23,420 --> 00:07:26,420
I see him more as Josephine.

115
00:07:26,420 --> 00:07:29,020
I still think there's more.

116
00:07:29,020 --> 00:07:31,320
Come clean, Howard.

117
00:07:31,320 --> 00:07:33,700
What happens when tha's
finished this book?

118
00:07:33,700 --> 00:07:40,620
Well, what could be more natural
than a person having to go to the library in search of another?

119
00:07:44,200 --> 00:07:48,360
They kept the Post Office
in Dalton Road.

120
00:07:48,360 --> 00:07:51,260
Oh, she fancied herself,
did that one.

121
00:07:51,260 --> 00:07:52,960
He was pleasant enough.

122
00:07:52,960 --> 00:07:57,220
She used to sneer if you
bought second-class stamps.

123
00:07:57,220 --> 00:07:59,840
She was always well turned out.

124
00:07:59,840 --> 00:08:02,260
I bet he wished he could
have turned her out.

125
00:08:03,340 --> 00:08:05,460
He doted on her.

126
00:08:05,460 --> 00:08:07,760
She always wore nice earrings.

127
00:08:07,760 --> 00:08:12,820
The gossip she used to spread,
they must have been microphones.

128
00:08:12,820 --> 00:08:14,840
She had no room to talk.

129
00:08:14,840 --> 00:08:18,900
That daughter of hers knew her
way round a few local beauty spots.

130
00:08:18,900 --> 00:08:21,660
She married well, didn't she?

131
00:08:21,660 --> 00:08:23,460
I don't know about well.

132
00:08:23,460 --> 00:08:26,200
I think often was more accurate.

133
00:08:26,200 --> 00:08:30,720
There aren't many
Post Offices left. No.

134
00:08:30,720 --> 00:08:34,840
It makes you wonder why
progress is always so inconvenient.

135
00:08:37,540 --> 00:08:39,640
I'm calling to see if it's ready

136
00:08:39,640 --> 00:08:43,300
and to make sure there's
no hidden extras.

137
00:08:43,300 --> 00:08:46,220
Is the vehicle ready for collection?

138
00:08:46,220 --> 00:08:48,320
At the price agreed?

139
00:08:48,320 --> 00:08:53,140
Good. Have you checked it over?
Is it roadworthy?

140
00:08:53,140 --> 00:08:56,220
Plenty of leg room.

141
00:08:56,220 --> 00:08:57,980
Good visibility.

142
00:08:57,980 --> 00:09:00,740
Plenty of room in the back.

143
00:09:00,740 --> 00:09:04,460
It should be ideal.
They're coming for it now.

144
00:09:04,460 --> 00:09:08,080
It's ready for you.
And don't scratch it.

145
00:09:08,080 --> 00:09:09,860
A real vehicle?

146
00:09:09,860 --> 00:09:11,520
A genuine motor vehicle?

147
00:09:11,520 --> 00:09:14,020
I don't know why you're
so surprised.

148
00:09:14,020 --> 00:09:18,520
We're gobsmacked. It's not another
tandem with a trailer is it?

149
00:09:18,520 --> 00:09:21,900
How many more times?
It's a motor vehicle.

150
00:09:21,900 --> 00:09:23,540
What kind?

151
00:09:23,540 --> 00:09:25,540
Suitable for carrying small loads.

152
00:09:25,540 --> 00:09:28,220
Bags of room in the back.
What do they call them?

153
00:09:28,220 --> 00:09:30,000
An estate.

154
00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:31,680
And there's no wonder.

155
00:09:31,680 --> 00:09:34,580
At that price I should have
got 50 acres and a lake.

156
00:09:39,900 --> 00:09:41,560
I've got just the thing for you.

157
00:09:41,560 --> 00:09:44,700
I've been saving it.
It's absolutely you.

158
00:09:44,700 --> 00:09:47,800
The most thrilling romance
I've read this year.

159
00:09:47,800 --> 00:09:50,640
Romance? Yes. It's got everything.

160
00:09:50,640 --> 00:09:53,360
Love, passion, adventure.

161
00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:55,140
Done that.

162
00:09:55,140 --> 00:09:57,460
I'm looking for something different.

163
00:09:57,460 --> 00:10:02,500
Oh! That's going to depress
spirits in certain quarters.

164
00:10:02,500 --> 00:10:04,060
How different?

165
00:10:04,060 --> 00:10:06,660
May we help? I hope so.

166
00:10:06,660 --> 00:10:10,100
I have this urge for
something more serious.

167
00:10:11,160 --> 00:10:13,540
You're not going off
to be a nun again?

168
00:10:13,540 --> 00:10:16,380
Oh, no, that was just a whim.

169
00:10:16,380 --> 00:10:19,260
I was under an emotional strain.

170
00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:22,560
It wouldn't have been
a good career move.

171
00:10:22,560 --> 00:10:24,480
Everybody says that,

172
00:10:24,480 --> 00:10:29,220
forgetting how completely attractive
I would have been in the uniform.

173
00:10:29,220 --> 00:10:32,520
So if it's not that,

174
00:10:32,520 --> 00:10:35,840
have you any special
interest in mind?

175
00:10:35,840 --> 00:10:42,580
Curiously enough, I find myself
being drawn towards military history.

176
00:10:42,580 --> 00:10:45,960
You're not involved
with that sailor again?

177
00:10:47,000 --> 00:10:50,180
No. That was just a ship
that passed in the night.

178
00:10:51,300 --> 00:10:52,900
I thought it was two nights.

179
00:10:54,300 --> 00:10:56,300
He never turned up for the second.

180
00:10:57,560 --> 00:10:59,220
Took to the lifeboat, did he?

181
00:10:59,220 --> 00:11:03,960
I expect he was
called away on some emergency.

182
00:11:03,960 --> 00:11:06,780
He warned me how
dangerous his work was.

183
00:11:06,780 --> 00:11:08,860
He was very dramatic.

184
00:11:08,860 --> 00:11:13,300
He made a girl feel like she was
going down with all hands.

185
00:11:20,315 --> 00:11:23,615
I've got this urge to have
a stroll int' greenwood,

186
00:11:23,615 --> 00:11:24,995
take a deep breath...

187
00:11:24,995 --> 00:11:27,935
inhale the perfumes of nature...

188
00:11:27,935 --> 00:11:31,815
and find a nice little country pub.

189
00:11:31,815 --> 00:11:33,415
Sounds good to me.

190
00:11:33,415 --> 00:11:35,015
I like the outdoor life.

191
00:11:35,015 --> 00:11:37,135
I like it the way we do it.

192
00:11:37,135 --> 00:11:39,595
We've got to call for Howard first

193
00:11:39,595 --> 00:11:42,655
so that he can do
his library book routine.

194
00:11:42,655 --> 00:11:45,235
Oh, she'll never fall for it.

195
00:11:45,235 --> 00:11:48,515
I don't know why they bothered
inventing lie detectors.

196
00:11:48,515 --> 00:11:51,315
Soon as you're married,
you find you've got one.

197
00:11:51,315 --> 00:11:53,715
And if you're very unlucky,
it has a sister.

198
00:11:55,315 --> 00:11:59,555
If Pearl answers the door,
don't look her straight in the eye.

199
00:11:59,555 --> 00:12:03,195
Look at her feet, otherwise
she'll think it's a plot.

200
00:12:03,195 --> 00:12:07,595
Listen, I bet Pearl's feet
don't miss much either.

201
00:12:07,595 --> 00:12:10,395
It's all a question of
the right tone of voice.

202
00:12:11,955 --> 00:12:13,655
What do you want?

203
00:12:13,655 --> 00:12:17,915
What do we want? You silly muffin.
We're here by arrangement.

204
00:12:17,915 --> 00:12:19,875
Your arrangement.

205
00:12:19,875 --> 00:12:21,915
Good day to you, Howard.

206
00:12:21,915 --> 00:12:23,795
Would you care to join us?

207
00:12:23,795 --> 00:12:25,995
It's no good now. She's out back.

208
00:12:25,995 --> 00:12:28,815
She's not listening.

209
00:12:28,815 --> 00:12:31,035
(Can you come back
when she's available?)

210
00:12:31,035 --> 00:12:33,895
I knew it, it's getting
tricky already.

211
00:12:33,895 --> 00:12:37,335
He dreams up these plots but
he can't get them organised.

212
00:12:37,335 --> 00:12:40,435
I can't stop Pearl going out back.

213
00:12:40,435 --> 00:12:44,015
You're eating into our
leisure time, Howard.

214
00:12:44,015 --> 00:12:50,455
Out there somewhere, Howard,
nestling in its own valley, a little pub is waiting for us.

215
00:12:50,455 --> 00:12:52,135
Just hang about.

216
00:12:52,135 --> 00:12:54,155
She'll be here again in a minute.

217
00:12:54,155 --> 00:12:57,775
And how are we supposed to
know that Pearl is available?

218
00:12:57,775 --> 00:13:00,615
I'll give you a signal.
It'll go wrong.

219
00:13:00,615 --> 00:13:02,415
I'll bet it goes wrong.

220
00:13:02,415 --> 00:13:04,055
I'll twitch the curtain.

221
00:13:04,055 --> 00:13:05,735
What's to go wrong?

222
00:13:05,735 --> 00:13:07,895
Which window? That one.

223
00:13:09,915 --> 00:13:12,075
What's wrong with your hair?

224
00:13:12,075 --> 00:13:14,955
I mean, what's more than
normally wrong with your hair?

225
00:13:14,955 --> 00:13:17,875
I don't know why
he keeps on about it.

226
00:13:17,875 --> 00:13:24,515
Doesn't he realise that we come from
a generation that was dedicated to boring hair? It was a signal.

227
00:13:24,515 --> 00:13:31,075
You were flying your colours
and what they said was, "Keep off, we don't fool about".

228
00:13:31,075 --> 00:13:33,495
I expect he's forgotten.

229
00:13:33,495 --> 00:13:37,455
When we were young, if you had
fancy hair you were up to no good.

230
00:13:37,455 --> 00:13:42,275
Oh, up to no good was
achievable without fancy hair if you put your mind to it.

231
00:13:43,855 --> 00:13:46,815
Is this an observation or experience?

232
00:13:46,815 --> 00:13:49,235
Oh, just an observation.

233
00:13:49,235 --> 00:13:54,415
I would never be able to go astray
unless Travis went with me.

234
00:13:54,415 --> 00:13:57,615
That's really doing things together.

235
00:13:57,615 --> 00:13:59,715
I know just what you mean.

236
00:13:59,715 --> 00:14:02,395
My Wally used to
follow me everywhere.

237
00:14:02,395 --> 00:14:04,935
That's because you
had him on a lead.

238
00:14:04,935 --> 00:14:06,675
I gave him time for his pigeons.

239
00:14:06,675 --> 00:14:09,855
I think Travis has some
pigeon in him.

240
00:14:09,855 --> 00:14:11,435
He always comes straight home.

241
00:14:12,855 --> 00:14:14,375
Is that bad?

242
00:14:14,375 --> 00:14:18,175
Well, it is if you want to
wash your hair in peace.

243
00:14:18,175 --> 00:14:21,435
You send him out for a walk,
he wants a kiss at the front door.

244
00:14:21,435 --> 00:14:23,795
You turn round and he's
coming in at the back.

245
00:14:24,955 --> 00:14:28,135
I never kissed my
Wally at the front door.

246
00:14:28,135 --> 00:14:31,795
Travis needs the reassurance.

247
00:14:31,795 --> 00:14:36,055
I don't want to give the impression
that I was always hard on Wally.

248
00:14:36,055 --> 00:14:37,155
Too late!

249
00:14:37,155 --> 00:14:43,895
Quite often when I was shouting at
him it would be in a...softer voice.

250
00:14:43,895 --> 00:14:47,515
Oh, you spoiled him as much as that?

251
00:14:49,195 --> 00:14:52,175
Oh, hello, love.
What can we get you?

252
00:14:52,175 --> 00:14:54,295
What are we having, Barry?

253
00:14:54,295 --> 00:14:56,615
I want you to choose, Barry.

254
00:15:05,715 --> 00:15:08,755
How long is he going to be
before he twitches that curtain?

255
00:15:08,755 --> 00:15:11,735
Restrain yourself,
impatient tall person.

256
00:15:11,735 --> 00:15:13,515
Relax, Billy.

257
00:15:13,515 --> 00:15:16,095
It's not as if the
barmaid's attractive.

258
00:15:16,095 --> 00:15:18,835
After a few pints she's attractive.

259
00:15:18,835 --> 00:15:21,835
After a few pints
the landlord's attractive.

260
00:15:21,835 --> 00:15:26,115
I don't agree. He looks too much
like the former Mrs Truelove.

261
00:15:26,115 --> 00:15:28,315
It's the principle of the thing.

262
00:15:28,315 --> 00:15:31,435
We shouldn't be encouraging
Howard's schemes.

263
00:15:31,435 --> 00:15:33,915
Not when they get in the way
of our refreshment.

264
00:15:33,915 --> 00:15:36,675
He's heavily married.
Have you no sympathy?

265
00:15:36,675 --> 00:15:39,815
I'm heavily married.
Who's got sympathy for me?

266
00:15:39,815 --> 00:15:41,995
You, mostly.

267
00:15:41,995 --> 00:15:45,575
As a direct descendent of Robin
Hood, Billy, it's your own fault

268
00:15:45,575 --> 00:15:48,115
if you go and marry the
Sheriff of Nottingham.

269
00:15:48,115 --> 00:15:50,695
There's some truth in that.

270
00:15:50,695 --> 00:15:51,915
I blame stag nights.

271
00:15:51,915 --> 00:15:55,255
You're in no condition the next
morning to know what you're doing.

272
00:15:55,255 --> 00:15:58,035
Stand by. I thought I saw a twitch.

273
00:16:05,375 --> 00:16:08,675
No. Howard's twitchier than that.

274
00:16:08,675 --> 00:16:10,795
I thought I saw a hand.

275
00:16:10,795 --> 00:16:12,375
The hand.

276
00:16:12,375 --> 00:16:14,195
The Creeping Hand.

277
00:16:14,195 --> 00:16:18,815
I saw that picture. There it was,
all on its own, up to no good,

278
00:16:18,815 --> 00:16:21,175
crabbing it along the carpet.

279
00:16:21,175 --> 00:16:25,055
Yes. That sounds like Howard.

280
00:16:25,055 --> 00:16:27,275
I'm sure I saw a twitch.

281
00:16:27,275 --> 00:16:30,455
Now, do we knock on the door
or wait for the next twitch?

282
00:16:30,455 --> 00:16:35,475
I say we wait. I believe in being
absolutely sure of your twitch.

283
00:16:35,475 --> 00:16:36,695
GLASS SHATTERS

284
00:16:41,395 --> 00:16:43,695
Now that's what I call a twitch.

285
00:16:50,615 --> 00:16:54,035
Hey, where's our transport?
Auntie says it's ready.

286
00:16:54,035 --> 00:16:56,155
Question is, are you ready?

287
00:16:56,155 --> 00:16:58,695
For what?

288
00:16:58,695 --> 00:17:00,335
New motoring experience.

289
00:17:00,335 --> 00:17:02,415
Oh, we've been ready for years.

290
00:17:02,415 --> 00:17:04,775
Anything's better than a handcart.

291
00:17:04,775 --> 00:17:07,055
She says there's plenty of room
in the back.

292
00:17:07,055 --> 00:17:09,495
No problem. Also a roof rack.

293
00:17:09,495 --> 00:17:11,175
You hear that?

294
00:17:11,175 --> 00:17:13,215
Also a roof rack.

295
00:17:13,215 --> 00:17:15,595
No more handcart.

296
00:17:19,315 --> 00:17:21,975
We have to talk, Barry.

297
00:17:24,475 --> 00:17:28,275
Barry, we have to talk. Mmm.

298
00:17:28,275 --> 00:17:30,715
Not just grunt, Barry.

299
00:17:30,715 --> 00:17:33,835
Real words. Put the book down.

300
00:17:33,835 --> 00:17:35,815
Do you realise that human beings

301
00:17:35,815 --> 00:17:38,515
are made of exactly the same stuff
as the stars?

302
00:17:38,515 --> 00:17:39,555
I never knew that.

303
00:17:39,555 --> 00:17:41,955
Are you listening to me?
I'm listening.

304
00:17:41,955 --> 00:17:44,615
Good. Because I'm worried about you.

305
00:17:44,615 --> 00:17:47,135
I don't want you slipping
into that condition

306
00:17:47,135 --> 00:17:51,635
where some husbands
leave everything to their wives.

307
00:17:51,635 --> 00:17:54,415
Imagine! You and me and the stars.

308
00:17:54,415 --> 00:17:58,695
Because that's a sure way to
lose the ability to make decisions.

309
00:17:58,695 --> 00:18:01,135
You'll end up with
no mind of your own.

310
00:18:01,135 --> 00:18:04,095
I don't want you always
agreeing with me, Barry.

311
00:18:04,095 --> 00:18:06,995
I want you to have your own opinion
about things.

312
00:18:06,995 --> 00:18:08,695
Any questions?

313
00:18:10,435 --> 00:18:13,095
Why don't we twinkle in the dark?

314
00:18:15,955 --> 00:18:18,755
OK. Open eyes now.

315
00:18:22,135 --> 00:18:24,255
Plenty room in back.

316
00:18:24,255 --> 00:18:26,475
But it's for funerals.

317
00:18:26,475 --> 00:18:28,195
Used to be funerals.

318
00:18:28,195 --> 00:18:30,115
Now for deliveries.

319
00:18:30,115 --> 00:18:31,915
Is it empty?

320
00:18:31,915 --> 00:18:34,975
Anything you find, you keep.

321
00:18:37,355 --> 00:18:40,615
You see? Luxury interior.

322
00:18:40,615 --> 00:18:43,175
Very big improvement on handcart.

323
00:18:43,175 --> 00:18:45,055
It is. I like it.

324
00:18:45,055 --> 00:18:47,955
It's very me.

325
00:18:47,955 --> 00:18:50,935
There's even a little vase
for flowers.

326
00:18:52,735 --> 00:18:55,615
Moves like a limousine.

327
00:18:55,615 --> 00:18:57,595
Goodbye, handcart!

328
00:18:57,595 --> 00:19:00,235
Hello, creepy machine!

329
00:19:00,235 --> 00:19:02,515
What's creepy about it?

330
00:19:06,135 --> 00:19:08,415
What's creepy about it?

331
00:19:08,415 --> 00:19:11,575
The speed! We could walk faster.

332
00:19:11,575 --> 00:19:13,775
Put the foot down.

333
00:19:13,775 --> 00:19:18,155
It is down. The handcart was faster.

334
00:19:20,595 --> 00:19:21,935
Thanks.

335
00:19:21,935 --> 00:19:25,075
Could I ask you all
a personal question?

336
00:19:25,075 --> 00:19:29,835
I don't see why not. They're
usually the more interesting.

337
00:19:29,835 --> 00:19:31,975
And it's not as if there's
any men here

338
00:19:31,975 --> 00:19:33,875
with big ears and a loose tongue.

339
00:19:33,875 --> 00:19:37,295
Just a bunch of women
with big ears and a loose tongue.

340
00:19:37,295 --> 00:19:39,775
I wouldn't say that.

341
00:19:39,775 --> 00:19:41,115
Well, neither would I

342
00:19:41,115 --> 00:19:44,655
if there WERE any men here
with big ears and a loose tongue.

343
00:19:44,655 --> 00:19:48,075
Mine's gone to change
his library book.

344
00:19:48,075 --> 00:19:50,755
He's into military history.

345
00:19:50,755 --> 00:19:53,855
We're getting more shot and shell.

346
00:19:53,855 --> 00:19:57,655
I'm surprised he's not
wearing a steel helmet to bed.

347
00:19:57,655 --> 00:20:01,895
I don't think our bed's
ever qualified as a battleground.

348
00:20:01,895 --> 00:20:05,035
Travis very rarely
leaves his trenches.

349
00:20:05,035 --> 00:20:06,795
Lucky you.

350
00:20:06,795 --> 00:20:09,295
Let the girl ask her question.

351
00:20:09,295 --> 00:20:11,435
It's just that I was wondering

352
00:20:11,435 --> 00:20:15,835
if any of your husbands had ended up
with no minds of their own.

353
00:20:15,835 --> 00:20:19,275
Minds of their own?
Are they supposed to have?

354
00:20:19,275 --> 00:20:22,535
I don't know about
ending up like that.

355
00:20:22,535 --> 00:20:25,295
I thought they started like that.

356
00:20:25,295 --> 00:20:27,095
Well, mine did.

357
00:20:27,095 --> 00:20:30,635
He said, "I do" at the altar.

358
00:20:30,635 --> 00:20:35,235
And that's the last time
he's made any decision concerning the both of us.

359
00:20:35,235 --> 00:20:39,215
When we went dancing,
he used to lead.

360
00:20:39,215 --> 00:20:41,615
Where does it go?

361
00:20:41,615 --> 00:20:46,295
I think it's nature's way of
ensuring the survival of the species.

362
00:20:46,295 --> 00:20:49,095
But isn't it like
living with a zombie?

363
00:20:49,095 --> 00:20:52,275
Oh, very. Credit where it's due.

364
00:21:02,175 --> 00:21:05,775
I would like to have been
a footnote in history.

365
00:21:05,775 --> 00:21:10,975
Nothing fancy. No showing off.
Just something modestly exceptional.

366
00:21:10,975 --> 00:21:15,035
Not so much a footnote,
more a toe-note.

367
00:21:15,035 --> 00:21:17,235
Or even a toenail note.

368
00:21:17,235 --> 00:21:22,555
On this date, it would say, "Alvin
broke the world record for..." What?

369
00:21:22,555 --> 00:21:27,355
Persistent, dedicated
and truly impressive eccentricity.

370
00:21:27,355 --> 00:21:29,635
You think I'm eccentric?

371
00:21:29,635 --> 00:21:32,235
Well, only from the back.

372
00:21:32,235 --> 00:21:34,715
From the front you're...

373
00:21:34,715 --> 00:21:37,135
weird.

374
00:21:37,135 --> 00:21:40,195
There aren't any world records left
for a bloke to break.

375
00:21:40,195 --> 00:21:41,415
Tha could invent one.

376
00:21:41,415 --> 00:21:45,255
Tha could hop from Huddersfield to
Darlington with one leg in a teapot.

377
00:21:45,255 --> 00:21:46,635
I bet nobody's done that.

378
00:21:46,635 --> 00:21:49,935
Too noisy. I hate travelling
in teapots.

379
00:21:49,935 --> 00:21:53,075
Very wise.
They're dangerous on corners.

380
00:21:53,075 --> 00:21:55,215
Only at excessive speeds.

381
00:21:58,095 --> 00:22:00,835
Tha can't accuse that
of excessive speed.

382
00:22:07,395 --> 00:22:08,775
Do you want a lift?

383
00:22:10,175 --> 00:22:13,875
Aren't we supposed to
have a funeral first?

384
00:22:13,875 --> 00:22:15,775
Have we time for a lift?

385
00:22:15,775 --> 00:22:18,075
Doesn't your conveyance
go any faster?

386
00:22:18,075 --> 00:22:20,415
She's better downhill.

387
00:22:27,175 --> 00:22:30,675
You see how we really
blend in with the background.

388
00:22:30,675 --> 00:22:33,955
Every young girl's dream, Howard.

389
00:22:33,955 --> 00:22:36,575
If by some chance we are spotted,

390
00:22:36,575 --> 00:22:40,095
what could be more innocent
than two people

391
00:22:40,095 --> 00:22:44,695
searching for evidence of where a
battle was fought in the Civil War?

392
00:22:44,695 --> 00:22:48,575
What was there
to fight about out here?

393
00:22:48,575 --> 00:22:53,495
I expect it was an area of
vital strategic importance.

394
00:22:53,495 --> 00:22:58,735
Not only am I becoming exhausted,
but I'm gaining an education.

395
00:22:58,735 --> 00:23:02,855
You'll enjoy it better once
we switch your metal detector on.

396
00:23:05,515 --> 00:23:07,135
I can't wait.

397
00:23:12,515 --> 00:23:15,975
Mascara started running, has it?

398
00:23:15,975 --> 00:23:19,675
I'm looking at these little lines
at the edge of the eye.

399
00:23:19,675 --> 00:23:22,655
You know what they are, don't you?

400
00:23:22,655 --> 00:23:24,895
That's the badge of experience.

401
00:23:26,455 --> 00:23:28,715
What experience?

402
00:23:29,795 --> 00:23:34,595
Life at the edge.
The years of stress and danger.

403
00:23:34,595 --> 00:23:37,275
You were doing
Superintendent's paperwork.

404
00:23:37,275 --> 00:23:39,975
Well, he's a dangerous twot
for a start.

405
00:23:39,975 --> 00:23:41,415
You'll not be wrinkle-free

406
00:23:41,415 --> 00:23:44,315
when you've looked death in the face
as often as I have.

407
00:24:04,235 --> 00:24:06,495
Have you seen my delivery vehicle,

408
00:24:06,495 --> 00:24:08,995
which might be mistaken
for a hearse?

409
00:24:08,995 --> 00:24:10,055
No.

410
00:24:10,055 --> 00:24:12,095
I'm sure we'd have noticed
one of them.

411
00:24:12,095 --> 00:24:16,295
Barry, you did a "no"
all by yourself.

412
00:24:16,295 --> 00:24:18,355
I want you to go and get
your car, lad,

413
00:24:18,355 --> 00:24:20,315
and see if you can find my vehicle.

414
00:24:20,315 --> 00:24:21,615
You decide, Barry,

415
00:24:21,615 --> 00:24:25,435
whether to get the car and go
and look for Auntie's vehicle.

416
00:24:25,435 --> 00:24:27,415
Do you think I should?

417
00:24:27,415 --> 00:24:30,375
Hop to it, lad.
There's a reward in it.

418
00:24:30,375 --> 00:24:32,015
You're offering a reward?

419
00:24:32,015 --> 00:24:34,435
It's automatic in these cases.

420
00:24:34,435 --> 00:24:39,135
The reward is you get this
warm feeling of satisfaction

421
00:24:39,135 --> 00:24:41,115
because you've helped an old lady.

422
00:24:49,875 --> 00:24:51,555
Are you lot together?

423
00:24:51,555 --> 00:24:54,895
He's not all that together, but yes.

424
00:24:55,975 --> 00:25:00,895
Have you got transport?
Have we got transport!

425
00:25:00,895 --> 00:25:06,215
Has it got room in the back?
Oh, I think we can safely say that.

426
00:25:06,215 --> 00:25:10,375
It's even got a little vase
with a flower in it.

427
00:25:10,375 --> 00:25:13,215
Pay no attention.
He used to be the village idiot.

428
00:25:13,215 --> 00:25:17,375
Until the village got bigger
and the competition fiercer.

429
00:25:18,435 --> 00:25:20,435
But still he tries.

430
00:25:20,435 --> 00:25:22,395
Runner-up last season.

431
00:25:22,395 --> 00:25:25,555
Twice highly commended. Oh!

432
00:25:25,555 --> 00:25:27,795
Have you got room for one more?

433
00:25:29,715 --> 00:25:31,615
Grandad's had a drop too much.

434
00:25:34,795 --> 00:25:37,675
HE MUTTERS INCOHERENTLY

435
00:25:37,675 --> 00:25:39,995
A drop?

436
00:25:39,995 --> 00:25:42,195
It's his birthday.

437
00:25:42,195 --> 00:25:45,615


438
00:25:45,615 --> 00:25:48,275
You wouldn't give him a lift home,
would you?

439
00:25:48,275 --> 00:25:49,935
I can't leave the pub.

440
00:25:49,935 --> 00:25:55,455
Old proverb says, "Wise man
lets sleeping grandads lie".

441
00:25:56,655 --> 00:26:00,395
Tha can't leave him there.
He'll get trodden on.

442
00:26:00,395 --> 00:26:02,135
It could be an attraction.

443
00:26:02,135 --> 00:26:04,775
It's not every day
you get the opportunity.

444
00:26:04,775 --> 00:26:11,155
He looks happy enough where he is.
Are you sure he's not dead?

445
00:26:11,155 --> 00:26:12,895
He said, "Happy birthday".

446
00:26:12,895 --> 00:26:16,235
Which could fall into
the category of famous last words.

447
00:26:16,235 --> 00:26:18,295
Happy birthday? Mmm.

448
00:26:19,395 --> 00:26:22,115
I can see it now on his gravestone.

449
00:26:22,115 --> 00:26:24,055
"Happy Birthday."

450
00:26:24,055 --> 00:26:26,755
Be nice to see something cheerful
for a change.

451
00:26:26,755 --> 00:26:28,875
Brighten up the whole churchyard.

452
00:26:28,875 --> 00:26:30,595
He's not dead!

453
00:26:30,595 --> 00:26:32,715
He can't lose.

454
00:26:32,715 --> 00:26:35,375
We got right vehicle either way.

455
00:26:38,835 --> 00:26:41,615
A Civil War battlefield.

456
00:26:41,615 --> 00:26:44,895
We're walking in the footsteps
of history.

457
00:26:44,895 --> 00:26:47,555
Because it's too rough
to ride a bicycle!

458
00:26:47,555 --> 00:26:49,555
It must have been terrible.

459
00:26:49,555 --> 00:26:51,835
It still is.

460
00:26:51,835 --> 00:26:54,015
If they had to march all this way,

461
00:26:54,015 --> 00:26:57,435
I'm surprised they had
any strength left to fight.

462
00:26:57,435 --> 00:26:59,855
I expect they brought sandwiches.

463
00:27:01,435 --> 00:27:04,735
Oh, don't be disheartened.

464
00:27:04,735 --> 00:27:09,795
I love bringing you to lonely
places. And this is a lulu.

465
00:27:09,795 --> 00:27:11,635
Just you and me.

466
00:27:11,635 --> 00:27:14,275
And 200-weight of metal detector.

467
00:27:28,035 --> 00:27:30,495
He-ee-ee's had a few.

468
00:27:30,495 --> 00:27:33,495
I hope he's not driving.

469
00:27:34,555 --> 00:27:36,675
He's very heavy for a grandad.

470
00:27:36,675 --> 00:27:38,915
They're heavier than people think.

471
00:27:38,915 --> 00:27:40,455
Trust us to get a heavy one.

472
00:27:42,355 --> 00:27:47,095
Ye gods! Have I had that much?

473
00:28:19,475 --> 00:28:20,935
Look!

474
00:28:22,955 --> 00:28:25,695
Happy birthday!

475
00:28:40,135 --> 00:28:41,975
Not much further.

476
00:28:42,025 --> 00:28:46,575
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